I May Not Be Technically Inclined

All I have to say…… I love my job….

“Customer:” I found the location of a relative, who is listed in “[public burial record group]“, burial unknown. How do I change these incorrect sources.
Tech: We are a web hosting company. Our services do not include updating the burial records for individuals who have passed on. I recommend contacting the cemetery of where the individual is resting to have this information updated.
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Customer: I can’t understand you. Where am I calling to? Some place in India?
Tech: No, you are calling to the United States.
Customer: Well. What nationality are you then?
Tech: I’m American.
Customer: No! Sweetheart, you must be some nationality other than just American because I cannot understand you.
Tech: I was born and raised in the United States.
Customer: No, I can’t understand you! You aren’t white.
Tech: (long pause) Sir, is there anything else you need clarification on pertaining to your account with us?
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Tech: Welcome to our real-time support chat. How can I help you today? I assist multiple customers at a time so please be patient.
Customer: You say I have to wait 10-15 minutes about your super-secret password email. first of all that is RIDICULOUS. Second of all, I need to get to my account NOW why are you holding me hostage and third, I’ve waited LONG ENOUGH send me the email!!!!!
Customer: what exactly is your damage? where is this “precious” email from you???????
Tech: please check your spam filter or junk folder if you are not receiving the e-mail.
Customer: FINALLY got your “precious” email that took a REE-DONK-U-LOUS amount of time….there is NOTHING wrong with my current PW it has plenty of variety including a special character and a number. when did you guys become such password dictators?
Customer: i added a capital and STILL not good enough for you? I just switched all of my services over to you and now i realize i am dealing with a bunch of unreasonable dictators
Tech: Passwords must contain at least 8 characters, one lower, one capital, one number, and one non-alphanumeric character. This is a security precaution. I apologize for the frustration this has caused you.
Customer: fine, i’ll be looking for yet another company who are not so unreasonable. seriously. this is STUPID.
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Tech: Welcome to our support chat. I take a number of chats at a time, so there might be a delay in my responses.
Customer: Hello, Why is god not seem to be hairy? Thank you
Tech: I apologize, but I’m not sure what I can help with. Can you please clarify for me?
Customer: okay
Customer: Whenever you see a picture of God, you never see him to be hairy on his body… i was wondering what you think about it?
[...]
Tech: I apologize, but this is actually not a question covered by our technical support services. I would recommend you direct this question to a local Pastor.
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Tech: Welcome to our real-time support chat. How can I help you today? I assist multiple customers at a time so please be patient.
Customer: shut the **** up i never said you could talk.
Customer: this is a robbery.
Customer: put ur hands up.
Customer: NOW !
Customer: *shoot*
Customer: ok ur dead
Customer: nice talkin to u
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Tech: Is there anything else I can assist you with today?
[screaming child in background]
Customer: *laughing* You have a babysitter?
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Tech: We have you down for the 12 month web hosting plan is that correct?
Customer: Yes (long pause). WAIT! Do you mean “down” as the website isn’t up for a year? I’m sorry I don’t know what you mean.
Tech: I mean “down” as our records reflect that you signed up for 12 months of web hosting with us.
Customer: So, 12 month of having my site up not down?
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Tech: An exclamation mark?
Customer: No, like a capital 1.
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Tech:  Thank you for contacting our real-time chat. I may be working with other customers, so there might be a delay. How can I help you?
Customer:  bogus a** stuff keepin me from accessing my s***
Tech: please keep the language professional
Customer: suit & tie my brotha
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Tech: Welcome to our real-time support chat. I am assisting multiple customers at this time. Please be patient as my responses may be delayed. How can I help you today?
Customer: they want me to change my password to something so effin crazzy it would be impossible for me to even write it down
[…]
Tech: I apologize but you would still need an upper case letter and symbol to meet our requirements.
Customer: should I turn around and pat my head 3 times as well??
Tech: Sir, I’m very sorry. I understand your frustrations, but this is part of our security updates.
Customer: why don’t we just get close. cause I’m gonna be on this chat, every time I want to log in
Customer: I’m a happy guy. I am not mad at you:) Hahaha
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Customer: I’m sorry, I can’t understand you. You sound like a mechanical Irish person.
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Tech: Is there anything else I can do for you?
Customer: Just one question. It’s a little off the subject but I’m a worshiper or Jesus Christ.
Tech: ok?
Customer: well I like to pray to Jesus for people I don’t know.
Tech: ok?
Customer: Could I get your name?
Tech: [tech's name]
Customer: [tech's name] is there anything that I could pray to Jesus about for you? Anything at all?
Tech: No, I think I’m good. Thank you for offering.
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Customer: One quick question.
Tech: ok?
Customer: What do you think of the health care bill? Do you like it?
Tech: I prefer not to discuss politics with customers if it is not relevant to their account.
Customer: Well ok, this one is regarding your work.
Tech: Ok, what is your question?
Customer: Do you have insurance where you work?
Tech: Yes.
Customer: So the health care won’t affect you?
Tech: I’m sorry, but I can’t discuss this.
Customer: Grrrr……*dial tone*
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Customer email:
Hello,
I am a dumb. I cant talk to you by phone. Tell me how to verify my identity. I will try to do my best.
Thank you
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Customer email:
What kind of bleeping BS is this??? What the hell did I do wrong? Sorry, but I’m am ticked off! PLEASE TELL ME RIGHT NOW WHAT THE HELL IS THE PROBLEM!! IS THIS ANY WAY TO TREAT A NEW CUSTOMER??? OBVIOUSLY I’VE MADE A BLEEPING MISTAKE PICKING [company name]. I”LL BE SURE TO TELL [affiliate name] WHAT A BUNCH OF CRAP THIS IS. WILL YOU PLEASE TELL ME WHAT THE HELL I DID WRONG??? PLEASE ANSWER OR I WILL CANCEL MY DAMN ACCOUNT!
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International Customer: Can you speak English?
Tech: I am speaking English.
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Customer: Put the old log in boxes back and my computer will feed me my old password.  As it is I have a text link to log in which is about as much use as a chocolate teapot.
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Tech: I’m calling to confirm an order that was made with us. Is (customer’s name) available?
Customer: Yes, he’s available. Well. Actually. He’s married.
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Customer: But it is a normal process which applies to each not only for me right? Or am I somehow suspected of being a gangster?
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Customer Email: This racism action should not come from Obama people because I’m shore he will not approve it.